im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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