I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Are my feet made of real feet?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
