Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
