Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
ok first of all what the fuck
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
