Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize