I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
