exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
