I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize