Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
