Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
