I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
