it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
No stitches, just platelets and will power
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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