Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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