You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
