So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
