Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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