He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
