I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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