You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
