Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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