i would punch a child for taco bell
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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