that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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