I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
