I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
