Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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