Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
