My liver just broke up with me...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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