there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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