you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
