the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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