fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
