she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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