my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
