I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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