and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
