she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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