Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
