he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Two words: blizzard sex
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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