drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
