Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize