I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize