My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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