When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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