Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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