I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
