last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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