Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize