You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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