Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
