She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
