I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
