I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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