god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
