Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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