I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
