Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
