I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
