Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
