Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
