wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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