Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize