He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
