oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
