No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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