Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize